Why we avoid tough conversations and how to stop doing it
No one wakes up excited to have a difficult conversation, especially when it’s things like addressing poor behaviour, responding to a crisis, or navigating a polarising issue. In fact, tough conversations sit high on most people’s “I’d rather not” list but they’re unavoidable if you lead people, influence change, or simply work alongside other humans.
So… it may seem cut and dry, but, why do we avoid them? And how do we approach them in a way that protects trust, strengthens culture and actually moves things forward?
Why tough conversations feel hard
At the heart of it, most of us are conflict-avoidant and we don’t actually want to upset anyone. We definitely don’t want to be the bearer of bad news or trigger tension, confrontation or emotional fallout. Though it’s worth noting that there is something else at play too: cognitive dissonance.
Cognitive dissonance is the uncomfortable gap between how we see ourselves and what we’re being asked to do. For example:
You see yourself as a kind, supportive leader… but you have to announce redundancies.
You value fairness… but you’re asked to communicate a decision you don’t fully agree with.
You believe in transparency… but you feel pressure to “manage the message.”
That internal friction can make you hesitate, soften your message too much, or avoid the conversation entirely… but, all that does is cause a problem for you. When you deliver a message you don’t believe in, or deliver it half-heartedly, people can sense it immediately and that’s when trust erodes fast.
Before you speak to others, you need to get yourself into alignment. Start by asking questions to seek clarity, push back where you can and understand the why behind the action, so you can show up with integrity.
What is a tough conversation?
When people think of difficult conversations at work, they often jump straight to performance feedback but it’s much broader than that.
Tough conversations include:
Communicating redundancies or restructures
Addressing inappropriate or toxic behaviour
Responding to crises (internal or external)
Sharing disappointing survey results
Acknowledging a death in the workplace
Talking about social or political events affecting your people
Challenging misinformation or divisive commentary
In every one of these scenarios, saying nothing sends a message because it can imply that:
“This isn’t important.”
“This behaviour is acceptable.”
“Our values are just words on a wall.”
Plus in the absence of clear communication, people fill the vacuum with their own narratives anyway, meaning rumours, resentment and mistrust begin.
What does avoidance cost?
Avoiding a tough conversation might feel easier in the short term but it almost always creates bigger problems later.
Unaddressed behaviour festers.
Unchecked toxicity spreads.
Ignored concerns turn into disengagement.
Unspoken grief becomes isolation.
Eventually, the issue becomes so big that it explodes, and often in a far more dramatic and painful way than if it had been addressed early.
The three choices you have
When facing a difficult situation, you typically have three options:
Do nothing.
This is the path of least resistance and it avoids immediate discomfort… but allows the issue to continue or escalate.Try to change the situation or the other person.
This requires courage, influence and effort … but it may not succeed.Change your approach.
This is where you have the most control. You can’t always control outcomes, but you can control how you show up.
If you want the best possible chance of a productive outcome, focus on the third option. Start with preparing, reflecting and adjusting your mindset.
How to approach these tough conversations
1. Lead with empathy
You’re talking to humans with lived experiences, emotions and personal contexts you may not fully understand. NOT a robot. So just because something doesn’t feel significant to you, doesn’t mean it won’t matter deeply to someone else. Empathy doesn’t mean avoiding the message, but rather delivering it with awareness and care.
2. Be clear (clarity is kind)
Vague, overly softened messages often create more anxiety than direct ones. Make sure to:
Bring facts.
Describe observable behaviour.
Avoid assumptions.
Separate emotion from evidence.
In some cases, you may also need to separate the job role, from the person.
For example:
“I noticed in last week’s meeting you spoke over two colleagues several times. I’m concerned about how that impacts the team dynamic.”
3. Use silence strategically
Many people rush to fill silence because it feels uncomfortable, but silence is powerful. After asking a thoughtful question, pause and let the other person think to respond. Silence often creates the space where real reflection happens.
4. Listen properly; not performatively
In moments of resistance, especially during change, people often want one thing first: to be heard. Not managed, corrected or dismissed - just heard. When people feel genuinely listened to, they are far more likely to engage constructively, even if the decision itself doesn’t change.
5. Address the outside world, too
Work doesn’t happen in a vacuum, so when major events occur, like natural disasters, violence, and political shifts, your people are and will be impacted. Ignoring those events doesn’t make them disappear, and it’s weird, frustrating and awkward when organisations ignore what’s occurring. You need to acknowledge them, show care and offer support or practical ways to help. Even a simple, human message can reinforce that your workplace recognises the full humanity of its people.
6. Manage polarisation with curiosity
We live in a more polarised world than ever before. Political, social and ideological divides absolutely show up in workplaces and it’s worth remembering that you won’t win people over with facts alone. In highly values-driven debates, facts often bounce off entrenched beliefs. Instead:
Ask curious questions.
Invite people to explain their reasoning.
Separate ideas from identity.
Use structured formats (like hypothetical debates) to explore multiple perspectives safely.
7. Know your escalation pathways
If behaviour crosses into serious misconduct, bullying, fraud or ethical breaches, you may need formal channels. Many organisations have whistleblower policies or protected reporting processes so you will need to know what they are. Use them when necessary, and make sure you reiterate yourself as an ally - this will mean you will need to advocate on behalf of others who don’t feel safe to speak up.
Here’s the paradox: the conversations we avoid are often the ones that build the strongest relationships.
